Turns Out +++ Men Still Need Help Understanding How the Fucking Patriarchy Is to Blame in 2026
Do you remember choosing the hypothetical bear over the men we know?
I do, as I recall discussing it with the 2 women facilitating my Community Care program in the spring of 2024, so it was at least 2 years ago that I last wished for a mainstream discussion to finally land with those most able to disrupt the patriarchy that disproportionately kills us, i.e., the fucking men."
Unfortunately, I deeply regret to inform you that far too many men remain wilfully ignorant enough for me to devote an entire newsletter post to this discussion, after a particularly victim blamey week of witnessing misogyny.
Especially as a survivor of gender-based violence (GBV) of at least $183,364 in financial abuse at the hands of my pathological liar of an ex, you can probably imagine that I have little tolerance for even a hint of such fuckery, but I found myself in a monthly virtual writing space I have attended for a year that veered off from the pieces shared to discuss societal issues.
For the sake of transparency, I will note that by the time I unmuted to highlight the impact of the patriarchy on women to some male writers, I had already taken my bedtime edibles, so I was likely not in my most eloquent state.
What followed in terms of my verbal communication was friendly enough for one of the dudes to DM me a media clip via IG within minutes of the Zoom meeting's end, but I experienced a hell of a disconnect between my internal dialogue and what I communicated with those group members in real time, so I will attempt to unpack my further reflections on that exchange in this post.
Full disclosure, both the host of this monthly writing space and I are survivors of GBV (as my sharing of hermit crab essays to elucidate my ex's Access Intimacy Abuse prompted her to disclose her own ex's terrible abuse).
Having had many writing shares with that group saunter off into a variety of discussions about broader societal issues, I had no reason to expect anything different from that evening's Zoom meeting."
As I listened to this new male attendee share uninformed opinions, I noticed a massive gap in his understanding of the barriers that marginalized genders disproportionately face in connecting romantically, i.e., THE PATRIARCHY! 👀
For context, I was particularly cognizant of the patriarchy by the time I logged into that meeting, as I had witnessed hours of rampant misogyny in response to 4 sexual assault allegations against Rep. Eric Stalwell.
After what felt like a long ass time, I had to accept that he was never going to take the patriarchy into consideration without some emotional labour, so I did my best at gently calling him in by noting how his perspective did not account for the burdens that marginalized genders disproportionately bear when we speak of the patriarchy's devastating impacts on all our daily lives.
Patriarchy is a political-social system that insists that males are inherently dominating, superior to everything and everyone deemed weak,
especially females, and endowed with the right to dominate and rule over the weak and to maintain that dominance through various forms of psychological terrorism and violence."
I am under no illusion that I was as eloquent as bell hooks in illuminating the impact of the patriarchy on marginalized genders in her 2004 book, but I doubt it would have mattered given this dude's deflection with discussion of the linguistic origins of the term, "patriarchy," until my friend backed me up, only for him to resort to the gendered equivalent of an All Lives Matter rant.
At the time, I thought I was refraining from reading him for filth out of respect for my friend, but over the next few days, especially since that friend and I discussed how multiple men remained supportive of her ex despite knowing of his abuse of her, I have been reckoning with myself about how prioritizing men's comfort at our expense likely does not actually serve any marginalized genders' interests."
As the meeting closed, another woman who attends regularly joked about him not being welcome back after that intense chat, to which he responded with a failed joke over how he will just refrain from saying, "the patriarchy!" 🙃
As I logged off, all I could think was that my beloved communities of colour are never getting free until men are finally willing to reckon with their complicity with the patriarchy, so this is my attempt at illuminating that, on the off chance that any men are willing to listen, since our bear choice clearly failed to make our deadly point to them 2 years ago."
To be clear, my list of folx who deserve to be thrown into the sun is mostly men, but Collective Access for Collective Liberation will require solidarity from all of us, as this quote from the Disability Justice Primer thoroughly elucidates:
What does it mean for people to actively take stock of their capacities, forms of embodiment, and relationships to institutional power? Sometimes it could mean being honest about our physical, cognitive, or emotional limitations, and asking for the kinds of support we need. It could also mean recognizing that ableism has over-valued our perceived bodily or mental capacities in ways that can profoundly obscure the strengths and creativity people with disabilities hold. At other times it might mean challenging internalized ableism and embracing what our bodies or minds do have the capacity for. Or it could mean learning to honestly identify and use our relative privileges in order to support collective access and Disability Justice movement-building. However, it’s also important for those working within mixed ability organizing contexts to recognize the ways in which using our relative privilege can inadvertently reproduce the violence and hierarchies of ableism, racism, patriarchy, cissexism, classism, etc. The leadership of disabled people of color and queer, trans, and gender-nonconforming people with disabilities should always be at the center of disability justice movement-building."
Especially after witnessing the complicity of all genders in my unjust suspension from a writing group, I know better than to trust in women whose words weave heartbreaking stories about the patriarchy's impacts on them to result in any hesitation to wield that same patriarchy against me, but it must inform how I operate going forward, as giving men unearned benefit of the doubt has only limited my ability to exist as I approach a decade of surviving GBV from men who all claimed to be operating in good faith, while harming me, so I must accept that words do not mean things for all as they do for me.
The United Nations estimates that 50,000 women and girls were killed by intimate partners or family members in 2024, which breaks down to about one every 10 minutes. I also have decades of experience as a therapist (wherein the bulk of my clients were marginalized genders who had been violated by men), and 1st taught Justice and the Poor: Issues of Race, Class, and Gender in 2012 for Nipissing University, so I know that prioritizing men's hurt feelings over our use of the term, "patriarchy" will only result in more deaths of marginalized genders under Trump, which is why the 2nd Disability Justice principle is Leadership of Those Most Impacted, as we understand our oppression best.
Admittedly, I am no expert on bears, but as far as I know, they are not killing one of us every 10 minutes, which is in stark contrast to the men that we have all encountered."
As an equity practitioner who has presented to organizations like NASCAR and Doctors Without Borders, I am particularly adept at surmising the impact of increasing fascism on marginalized genders, and it only gets worse.
While you are welcome to join me on the ethical side of history, challenging the patriarchy, I was abandoned by most family members at the age of 21, so I am particularly skilled at standing my ground without support from those who should know and do better."
On the off chance that you are more willing to listen to a dead woman, here is some bell hooks' brilliance to aid you in your journey to reckoning with the patriarchy for the sake of the Collective Liberation that we all deserve:
It is not true that men are unwilling to change. It is true that many men are afraid to change. It is true that masses of men have not even begun to look at the ways that patriarchy keeps them from knowing themselves, from being in touch with their feelings, from loving. To know love, men must be able to let go of the will to dominate. They must be able to choose life over death. They must be willing to change."
If you would benefit from my Disability Justice 101 psychoeducation, I am presenting on the DJ framework at 830-930am CST/930-1030am EST on Thursday, April 30, 2026, so please do not hesitate to register to join us for the American Library Association’s Social Responsibilities Round Table (SRRT) for a summit on “Health Equity in Action," as it is both free and virtual!🫂
If able to contribute to my survival following my ex's financial abuse of at least $183,364, which further disabled me, alongside white supremacist workplace trauma, e-transfers within "Canada" may be sent to krystaljagoo@gmail.com and funds may be sent via PayPal below, so please consider supporting me! 🙏🏾
BTW, on the off chance that you are looking for a gifted equity practitioner and educator for virtual services like writing, facilitation, and consulting, you are welcome to peruse my CV below, and explore paid services here.
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