Some Reflections About Rupture and Repair from a Disability Justice Practitioner
Especially if you have been reading my newsletter weekly, you may recall some discussion about my beloved Black niece in my February post, who is now a teenager, which is turning out to be a hearty adventure for us all.
As someone more likely to experience menopause than motherhood, I have long hoped to exemplify the role of "aunty" in stark contrast to the actions of my biological parents' sisters, most of whom continue to fail me. Given this context, you can probably imagine that I was not particularly thrilled when my niece yelled at me a few weeks ago, as I have never yelled at her under any circumstances, and have long been considered another trusted maternal figure in addition to her single mom (my Ghanaian BFF since undergraduate studies)."
If this had happened a decade ago, I would not have this perspective, but after surviving Access Intimacy Abuse, an unjust group suspension, etc., I have been thinking about how my longstanding "social worker, committed to anti-oppressive practice" identity may have made me the easiest of marks for unethical folx. If you have read about the white supremacist workplace trauma I suffered from the medical-industrial complex and the academic-industrial complex, you know I pride myself on meeting folx where they are at.
Unfortunately, given how doing so caused me trauma, which has intensified disability-related challenges with severe migraines, worse sleep, etc., I genuinely wish I had given fewer benefits of the doubt to undeserving folx. It is why I am actively trying to be more intentional about how I engage with folx, as the violations of some have limited my quality of life and ability to afford to exist, so I am keen on ensuring the sustainability of the Disability Justice work to which I have committed decades. To do so, I am learning to prioritize myself in ways I did not always as failing to do so has endangered my life."
Having come to realize that there were many times when my attempts at teaching gentle lessons to loved ones (in stark opposition to the fuckery of what my biological relatives likely tell themselves was "tough love") resulted in far from ideal patterns of avoidance from others, which has left me questioning if that approach has ever served me in the least! 🥹
I want better for my loved ones, WHICH INCLUDES MYSELF, so I did not shove my niece's yelling and avoidance under the rug. I am certain that made life awkward for my Ghanaian BFF at times, but I ensured that my approach to her daughter was always grounded in love for us all. I continued to demonstrate care with my actions (like helping her mom to draft a necessary email to a healthcare provider to try to address some of my niece's reservations as even if I was unimpressed with her yelling and lack of apology), I still knew she deserved informed consent regarding her care, and her life. Finally, after 87 fucking long ass days, I got a DM that said, "sorry for being a bitch to you it's something I need to work on✌️"
As you can imagine, I had some follow-up questions regarding that apology, but after I was done laughing about how she took accountability for "being a bitch" on the phone with a fellow fat geriatric millenial BIPOC LGBTQIA+ disabled past social worker friend, as I critiqued that 14-year-old's apology in my mind, I had to admit how many grown adults had wronged me in much worse ways and could not even be bothered to give the shittiest of apologies, but instead actively choose to deflect, dismiss, etc.
Imagine how pathetic an adult you must be if even a 14-year-old, WHO STILL NEEDS ANOTHER 14 YEARS OVER WHICH HER BRAIN WILL NEARLY FULLY DEVELOP TO THE LEVEL OF AN ADULT'S, takes accountability better than you!" 👀
As I continue to reflect on rupture and (lack of) repair, I work on doing better with my loved ones as we deserve relationships wherein words mean things, including apologizing, in stark contrast to those who have harmed me.
Ideally, my niece would have taken accountability earlier, but we work on avoidance, as I grew up in Ava's house wherein conflict was often abuse with her toxic gaslighting (compounded by relatives who enabled such fuckery likely due to their own guilt over earlier gaps they never took accountability for, thereby making them the easiest of marks for her to demand complicity)."
I will never subject my niece to the fuckery of those who claimed to care about me while harming me as I would prefer death over an existence in which my words do not align with my actions, which sometimes means awkward delays until loved ones find the words to be accountable, and potentially even more awkward attempts at repair following rupture, but the alternative is to fail my loved ones as I have been repeatedly violated.
When discarded by my ex after at least $183,364 in financial abuse over 6.5 years, I realized that at least I got out in less time with him than I did with the younger sister who discarded me twice despite lovingly raising her for a whole ass fucking decade!"
As some know, since my niece's birth, I have reminded my Ghanaian BFF that I am ALWAYS Team Florence, but even I can admit that the last year has been the hardest in that beloved role, which likely has less to do with her, and more to do with all the unpacking that was necessary to ensure I did not hurt her when she was saying things that made me want to respond rudely.
I remember after the grandmother who raised me had died, Ava shoved her literal ass in my face while telling me that the only response she had for my valid concerns was to fart in my face, so I will never treat anyone that I claim to love with such disrespect, (and then gaslight the fuck out of me by claiming to be the most supportive single mother who raised me lovingly).
The mindfuck is that the sister who discarded me claimed I had wronged her (because our father broke a promise he had made to me as per her request as if ANYONE has ever been able to get Vishnu to keep his fucking word)! 🤡
When discarded for a 2nd time by the younger sister I raised for a fucking decade, I had been so conditioned to be "the strong sister who had to protect her" that I did not even attempt to defend myself as I had grown accustomed to being considered "collateral damage" after my labour was extracted while being called "family" when I/it could benefit others."
Over a decade has passed, so she is in her 30s, i.e., over double my niece's age, so I have long had to accept that she may be as skilled at seeing the error of her ways when it comes to me as our biological mother who wears avoidance of any accountability for her mistreatment of me like a second skin, but I am done with being the bigger person figuratively.
Mixed ability organizing means working toward collective accountability rather than strict accountings; reciprocity rather than receipt; it means interrogating the ways power shapes the flow of our incalculable debts to one another, the unevenness in our mutual indebtedness, without ever assuming that we could (or would even want to) settle our accounts, so to speak. Disability Justice encompasses and embraces all bodies, minds, hearts, and forms of embodiment. This emergent movement is unquestionably of, by, and for disabled people of color and queer, trans, and gender-nonconforming people with disabilities, as we are subjected to the greatest violence of ableism, and therefore have the greatest stake in its abolition. Simultaneously, Disability Justice is ultimately about re-imagining and reinventing all of our relationships with one another, as well as with our own bodies and minds; it is about transforming the very material and psychic frameworks that designate some bodies and minds as normative, valuable, and acceptable and others as deviant, worthless, or dangerous. As such, we all have a stake and role to play in disability justice, in dismantling ableism and building toward a world where all bodies and minds are recognized and treated as valuable and beautiful. We still have a very long way to go, but we have each other to hold, and be held by, through the journey."
Last year, I noted that my 40s will be my messiest decade, but by Lorde, they will be MINE, as I deserve better than being collateral damage in the uninterrogated complicity of fuckers whose words do not align with actions.
This should be obvious, but if you owe me an apology, yesterday was better, but even a delayed attempt at accountability cannot be worse than avoidance when it comes to me, so I am grateful to my beloved niece for teaching me this invaluable lesson about rupture and repair, as I continue to work on making my Disability Justice work more sustainable."
Depending on when you read this, I may have already had to resort to a medically assisted death given my inability to afford to exist after Makai Livingstone's Access Intimacy Abuse, so if able to support me, please do so.
If able to contribute to my survival following my ex's financial abuse of at least $183,364, which further disabled me, alongside white supremacist workplace trauma, e-transfers within "Canada" may be sent to krystaljagoo@gmail.com and funds may be sent via PayPal below, so please consider supporting me! 🙏🏾
BTW, on the off chance that you are looking for a gifted equity practitioner and educator for virtual services like writing, facilitation, and consulting, you are welcome to peruse my CV below, and explore paid services here.
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